Two Rules
I broke up with my college boyfriend and was deep in the pits of despair. Hello, Bumble!
This one guy looked super cute in his photos and he was the ONLY person I'd ever had good banter with on the apps. So we decided to meet for sushi one Friday night.
But there are two rules, I've since learned, to dating apps:
Never meet for dinner on the first date.
The better he is at conversation online, the worse he'll be at conversation in person.
I arrived at the sushi restaurant in my best faux leather jacket, hair curled and makeup applied by my roomie. I cried in the Uber I was so nervous.
As soon as I walked into the restaurant, my heart sank. He was a cool 5'2". I am 5'7". (Insert disclaimer about how height isn't everything etc. etc. but I'm generally into guys that are taller than I am).
I sat down at the table with an open mind still! Because there might not have been a physical spark but maybe he'd be really funny! Or we could be friends and he could introduce me to his taller friends! Maybe he has a crazy life story!
Maybe not. He barely said a word the whole time, and I basically just talked AT him, despite asking many interesting and insightful questions if I do say so myself.
I rambled my way into the topic of karaoke, and asked him if he had a song. He said he'd never done karaoke before (another red flag, honestly).
I said "REALLY?! Never?"
He thought for one minute and said "Well, actually..." and launched into a story about how in third grade, he had to perform a song, poem, or dance for Black History Month at his elementary school (he is white) and he performed "Where is the Love" by the Black Eyed Peas.
I was so confused (that he thought this somehow equaled karaoke) and surprised (that he who seems so insanely shy would ever choose a bop by the Black Eyed Peas) and frankly bored (because duh) that I burst out laughing and I couldn't stop, especially when I realized he didn't mean it as a funny story. Which made me laugh even harder. Tears were streaming down my face.
He just stared at me and finally asked "...Are you okay?"
We paid and he asked me if I wanted to go to a bar with him. I declined. We did not meet again.
But the image of little baby Jeff halfheartedly performing "Where is the Love" remains burned in my memory forever.