Waiting Game
Dating in my adult life has been a tug of war game between "waiting" and "putting myself out there.” It feels like I'm doing one or the other, and they're clearly in direct opposition to each other. I take a step back from the apps and the energy, so that I can focus on my life and the important people and values already in it. Aaaaand that's great until another person asks me "so how's your dating life going?" and I internally shriek and wonder what I'm waiting for. So I get back out there, on the apps, taking every opportunity of going out to meet new and interesting people, putting myself in uncomfortable situations on purpose.
Lately, I've been wondering why this feels so hard and blah and unexciting. I'm a chill, fun girl (not how I describe myself on Hinge, don't worry) who loves meeting new people and really getting to understand them. I pride myself in being able to walk into any room and make friends or memories with just about anyone. So why does this not transfer to dating??
I'd been going on dates with guys from apps and having a fine time, but right before the third date I was always asking myself "why do I not care about going out with this person or getting to know them?" I would painstakingly get through the date, blame it on them not being that interesting, and go meet up with my friends who I actually enjoyed spending quality time with. What was the difference? I've gotta believe that one difference comes from trust and vetting of a person. You meet a guy on an app, you go out, you're chatting and having a good time, maybe a few red flags pop up but you wait. You continue talking and seeing each other, not trying to get too excited or eager, and spend your next dates trying to understand who they are. Because they could be whoever they want. You don't know anyone they know, and you never knew or heard of them before this day. You don't have your cousin in your ear saying "he's a really good guy,” which might make you look at him a little longer than normal and say, "Really? Hm. Good.” And it's your cousin, so you believe her. You don't have your best friend winking across the party because her single co-worker is here who loves his family and football and tacos, much like you. You trust their word and values, and it makes the blow of romantic love feel a little safer, because they're a part of it now, too. Matchmaking and being set up by friends and family has some safety to it. No, instead, a literal robot is programming your matches for you! Hooray!
Getting to know people in dating and getting to know anyone in life are treated pretty differently. You mean I'm supposed to get "excited" about someone while meeting them at a mediocre bar for the third time? Other relationships take weeks, months to build, to get to the place where one is "supposed" to be by the third date. Think about your adult and work friendships. These likely took time and little pressure; think slow-cooker, not instant pot.
I have many friends who have met significant others online and are happy. Maybe the timing was right and the conditions were met. Maybe they weren't trapped in the bullshit of an online dating mentality. Maybe they happened to swipe right on the one! Maybe they knew right away, or they took the time and pressure off to really get to know them first. Maybe they were drunk and oversharing, who knows.
I value human connection and our differences, and I know I've met people in real life and thought "I probably wouldn't have swiped right on them,” because we're different people and have different interests. But knowing someone in person vs. the online persona they have created themselves can be starkly different. Pay attention to who people are and learn from them. I argue it's better to do this in person than through a screen, but to each its own.